8 Challenges of Being a Preacher’s Wife

In an earlier post I wrote about six challenges church leaders must face.  Number two on that list was the role of the preacher’s wife.  I promised to do a separate post discussing the unique role and challenge the preacher’s wife faces.  These thoughts come from a lecture series I did at Polishing the Pulpit in August.

The role of the preacher’s wife is unique because the congregation has expectations, often unspoken, for her even though she does not get paid and is not employed by the church.  Ruth White wrote, “The preacher’s wife is the only woman I know who is asked to work full-time without pay on her husband’s job, in a role no one has yet defined.”  It is also certainly the case that the ministry of the wife will significantly impact the preacher’s effectiveness in the local church.

Mother-Infant from SermonCentral.com

Here is a list of eight challenges I discovered from my research.

1. Deep loneliness.  Many preacher’s wives lack close friends, are away from family, and don’t have much time with their husband.  Thus, they struggle with intense feelings of loneliness.
2. Always being an outsider.  A preacher’s wife often struggles to break into closer circles of female friendship.  It makes her feel vulnerable and different from the other ladies because of her role or background.  She doesn’t have the shared history of those who have been there a long time.  It can seem like it is about what she does, instead of who she is.
3. Managing unrealistic and unfair expectations for what she should be.  Like the preacher, the wife will also deal with unrealistic and unfair expectations for the role that some church members want her to play.  Maybe she doesn’t feel capable to teach other ladies in Bible class, but the previous minister’s wife taught the ladies’ class and she is expected to do so or bitter feelings exist because she does not.
4. Having little voice or decision in matters that deeply affect her and her husband.  The preacher’s wife is rarely consulted on the direction of the church and even with issues related to their family’s ministry.  She has to learn about it after the meeting has taken place.
5. Always feeling like she is overshadowed and not recognized.  Preacher’s wives live in the shadow of the most vocal and visible man in the church.  She does so much to help him succeed, but most all the recognition and praise is directed to him.
6. Feeling like she takes a backseat to others and church work in the life of her husband.  A wive can often feel like church members take priority.  How many wives have missed out on a planned evening with their husband because of a church situation or visit that had to be made?  It can feel like the church can have her husband at any time, but she and the kids are the exception.
7. Bearing the burdens of the husband which he puts upon her.  Ministers can dump their stress and criticisms on their wife.  When he is struggling, he shares his problems and burdens with her, but where does she turn?  The husband can vent his problems to her and go on, while she spends days worried and concerned about it.
8. Feeling like she sees a different man in the pulpit than what she sees at home.  Another struggle of wives, that is a symptom of a marriage problem, is when they feel their husband is not living the life he proclaims in his teaching.  There is a measure of this with all preachers, as all of us fall short of living the gospel fully, but it is a real problem when the wife feels he is being a hypocrite.

The preacher’s wive can make or break her husband’s work and service to the church.  She can help him to be successful or drive him out of ministry.  The church must recognize the unique challenges to the role of the preacher’s wife and try to encourage her in her work and service to the Lord.

I would like to encourage you to take time now to email, message, or send a card to your preacher’s wife to let her know you appreciate the work she does and the role she fills.

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Check out my post on this preacher’s wife!